MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.