Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

sometimes we need to be reminded

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say