Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

Doctors texting each other.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

Types of Amazon reviews:

9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!

283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck

5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke

1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.