Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

Meow

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”