Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

This why you should mind your business

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

They’re called werewolves.

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.