Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.