Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain

Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat