Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
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let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still