Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.