Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Midwest trash talk

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

My dress code is business-casualty.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.

So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears