*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
You Might Also Like
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Batman v Dracula
😂🐈⬛
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!