*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Asking the real questions!
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us