Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
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Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁