Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
incredible
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks