Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International