Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*