Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

Hey i am sexy to you now

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.