MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I was just discussing this with my cat
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?