Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?