Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
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I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.