Managing expectations
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*