Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
How actors in movies eat their food
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.