mandolin: finally a violin for men
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Who did it better?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Who’s ready for Friday?!
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.