mandolin: finally a violin for men
You Might Also Like
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Breaking news:
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie