mandolin: finally a violin for men
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Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.