mandolin: finally a violin for men
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Every
Single
Year
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Not all heroes wear capes…
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!