Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Our lord and savoury.

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

The twelve days of Christmas be like:

Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????