Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?