Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.