Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
