Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
That’s enough internet for the day
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.