Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Me: Ready for school?
7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot
Yes, this list is in order.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.