Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Catercrombie & Fish
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The best plant holders?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?