Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??