manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
You Might Also Like
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Livid.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away