manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
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Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?