Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

I’m confused about plants

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Do one person every day that scares you.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.