Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?