Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”