Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*