Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

decorating my apartment

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Harsh but fair

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.