Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Who knew!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.