Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.