Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.