manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”