manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.