Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]