man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
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Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.