man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.