Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I am a gravy boat captain
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture