Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.

Me: (awkward silence)

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.