Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
You Might Also Like
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Hard not to take this personally
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.