Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

I’m being attacked 😭

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

“Worm Regards”

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.