Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

the simulation is moving too fast

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

I’m good, thanks.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.