Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
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Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Good advice.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?