Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

ㅤ

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

👾👾👾

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.