Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

A Monday every week is excessive

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”