Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
