Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions