Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
