Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
It be like that sometimes 😆
Ah to hear the music of the angles!