Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not