Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

going to the ER y’all need anything

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

dogs can find happiness so easily

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.