Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Kermit goes Blue.
![]()
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower