Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!