Many hands make light work
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Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
