Many hands make light work
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.