Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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Spring cleaning checklist…
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?