Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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watching gymnastics
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Have kids, they said
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.