Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.