Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.