Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.