Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Ken is short for chicken
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.