Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
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If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
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Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!