Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!