Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.