Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*