Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

my dog when i have a friend over

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg