Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

All food is good if you spell it wrong

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person